my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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