Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
