My friends, they love my intelligence
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
