Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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