I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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