Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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