At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
