I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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