final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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