Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I FOUND THE LEGS
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
All I want is dick and wine.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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