He asked to "fluff my boner.."
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
