I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
