and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
