saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
