I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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