I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
