Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
