I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
