if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
