People in love make me want to vomit
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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