the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Never joke about your clitoris.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
