Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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