I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
