I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
