She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
