Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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