I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
