It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
