drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
