I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
