There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
a search helicopter?!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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