I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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