This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is Oprah even human
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
