i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
