The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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