Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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