I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
