we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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