At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
