i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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