my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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