U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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