clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
