I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
