He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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