Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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