I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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