why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
sex in a hospital.. check
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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