Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
