it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
