That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
